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Thursday, 2 April 2015

Weird Application for School Governor

Last week their was an article about the chance to become a School Governor and my subsequent application for the post. Click here to read.

Following my application I have now received this unofficial and fictitious rely:

Dear Big Bloke,

Thank you for your application for the position of School Governor at Milford on Sea Primary School.

I have to advise you that yours is the only application so far, however we are unable to even consider letting you loose on the destiny of our pupils bright future.

We would comment on your 'Automatic Control & Manifesto Ideas' as follows:
  • The internal hallway fencing system idea has merit, but would just tend to confuse the staff finding their way around. At the same time the children would just find ingenious ways to get over it, leaving the staff trapped.
  • Magnets on seats tend to severely interfere with all of the electronic wizardry that is in classrooms these days, we already have issues with many adults of a certain age barely understanding the technology.
  • We are concerned that a fleet of bendy buses would seriously impede the free flow of zimmer frames around the village.
  • We have to admit, free sweets for Governors is a good idea.
  • Obviously the Governors are unable to sanction any racing (where there are winners and losers), space hopper or otherwise.  This is mainly because, at previous sports days the Governors have always cheated, so competition become pointless.
  • We simply cannot understand why you have not suggested custard doughnuts at meetings?  
  • Whilst we get your point on the structure of meetings in more than one location, we are unable to endorse any particular local hostelry.  
We have to say that Governors are busy people and whilst we warmly welcome valid applications, this is not the case this time. 

Your complete unsuitability has delayed us in considering valid candidates, so can you please contact me to come in to do 30 minutes detention in the coming week. 

When you arrive, we need you to write 1000 times; 'I am an idiot and must not waste intelligent people's time'. Please be aware that we no longer have blackboards and your lines will be done on a computer, please do not consider copy and pasting as this will result in further detentions.

Anyway. Good luck with the 'adult gene' problem.  

Hopefully mummy or daddy might know someone with a personality we could seriously consider.


Mrs Bossman
Milford on Sea Primary School

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Naturally I am very disappointed, and my wife is now refusing to leave the house due to 'acute embarrassment'. 

However, I felt a reply was in order, ...but not sure how much it will help.
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Dear Mrs Bossman,

Thank you for your rather direct and harsh reply.

It was certainly not my intention to confuse the school staff any further than they already are.

Really chuffed you liked the sweets idea.

Perhaps the 'magnets on seats' could be replaced with straps?

I had forgotten about the ‘winners & Losers’ thing.

It appears we do have quite a serious difference of opinion in one particular area and I have to say, that there is no way that custard doughnuts should be considered, they are simply wrong. Custard is for puddings, not bakery, anyone thinking different must be a bit weird. Jam is of course the only option for a doughnut and a happy life.

I understand your point on not being able to 'endorse any particular local hostelry'. This can simply be resolved by having a pint in every pub before concluding Governor Meetings. From experience, decisions become better the longer a meeting in this form goes on.

I will be working on the ‘lack of adult gene problem’, however medical advice is not giving me much hope.

PS: I will be in for detention on Wednesday.

PPS: Could I be considered as a Teaching Assistant?

PPPS: Should you reconsider and recognise my obvious qualities, would I get a Ford Consul GT like Jack Regan in The Sweeney?


Big Bloke
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Dear Big Bloke,

Please just go away.

In immense frustration,

Mrs Bossman
Milford on Sea Primary School
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A Proper Message for Grown Ups 

The school is now looking for (real) new Community Governors. 

If you wish to find out more about this important and interesting voluntary role, please contact the newly elected Chair of Governors, Sue Towndrow, by email:

Milford-on-Sea Primary School 

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