April Fool's Day through the years

Last week's April Fool article, 'Summer Season Spa Installed on the Village Green' had a massive response, with over 23,000 views on the Milford on Sea News website last week.

There were also several hundred likes on the Facebook posts, along with many happy comments from people that the spoof story tickled. I particularly enjoyed the person who went down to the village green to check if the Spa was there!

If you would like to revisit some of our old April Fool's Day articles, please just click on the titles below:

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2024: Summer Season Spa Installed on the Village Green

2023: Fury as unwanted Hurst Spit Observation Wheel approved

2022: Dinosaur remains discovered at Hurst Spit

2021: Controversial Floating Pier approved at Milford on Sea

2016: Learn How to Make Cats Milk Cheese in Food Week

2015: Plans Submitted for Milford Pier

2014: Hurst Bridge Meeting Erupts

If you have too much time on your hands... there are even more ridiculous articles to be found by clicking here.

Summer Season Spa Installed on the Village Green

Around 6am this morning, early risers visiting the village centre will have spotted a large prefabricated building being hoisted from a transporter lorry and a team firmly installing it on the top of Milford on Sea village green.

Initially it was thought that this might be connected to the Psychic Fair due to take place this Saturday. 

However, when approached, the event organisers said it had nothing to do with them, and they didn't even see it coming.

It turns out, and apparently without local residents realising, planning permission had been approved by New Forest District Council in early February to install a temporary Spa & Relaxation Centre at the top of Milford on Sea Village Green. 

The planning permission runs until the end of the Summer season in June.

The spa opens at 10am today, and will be open to all offering a range of beauty therapy, facial treatments, dietary advice, Swedish massage, as well as having a jacuzzi, a plunge pool and mud bath.

Amazingly, the normal planning restrictions were avoided on the basis that this is only to be a temporary structure.

Bob D'Bilda, managing director of Dreams on Wheels, the operators of what will be known as 'The Pleasure Pod' said; "We are delighted to be able to enhance the village green and bring some sunshine to a drab place".

One of the professional beauty therapists, Gloria Blusher said that she is looking forward to some of the challenges she will face.

Some other members of the 'The Pleasure Pod' Spa Team looking forward to meeting you will be; dietician Emma Royds, jacuzzi manager Lottie Bubbles, and the masseuse team of Ivor Bentitt and Dr Dan Tickles.

Anyone concerned about the temporary spa and wishing to express their objections, anger, or apoplectic rage can contact Mr I. Gottu by emailing his secretary on: avu.got-ityet@nfdc.com.

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PS: Saturday's Psychic Fair has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. 

You would have thought that they would have seen that coming?!

Fury as unwanted Hurst Spit Observation Wheel approved

After a drawn out four year consultation process, and despite vigorous local objections, the Hurst Spit Observation Wheel is due to start construction in early May.

The generally compliant residents of Milford on Sea are angry that this has been pushed through with their significant concerns being disregarded. Protests are planned, more of which we will explain later.

Planning approval for the locally unwanted observation wheel was given at a recent New Forest District Council meeting. This was in spite of numerous of local objections, which were primarily based on environmental issues, and the fact that the observation wheel will fundamentally change the character of Milford on Sea. However, the council considered that; 'The tourism and visitor experience opportunities were of greater benefit.'

As the developers public relation machine kicked into gear, it is being claimed that; "The Milford on Sea Observation Wheel will offer stunning, panoramic views of The Needles, Christchurch Bay, Milford on Sea beach and over the historic fortified walls into Hurst Castle."

At a height of 40m, it will be taller than the Bournemouth Big Wheel which stands at 30m high. For some obscure reason, the height was intentionally chosen to be taller than The Needles Lighthouse which stands at 33m.

The wheel designer, Ivor Spinner commented; "We are delighted to bring this magnificent observation wheel to Milford on Sea. It will stand as a monolith in the region and become a landmark to rival Nelson's column, the Angel of the North and the silly little observation wheel in Bournemouth." 

The gondolas will carry a maximum of 6 people, and children under 10 must be accompanied.

Although wheelchairs and mobility scooters cannot access the gondolas, there is an ingenious design feature which enables them to be strapped to the outside for what is described as; 'An exhilarating fresh air ride.'

The wheel's management company, Buildabigun Ltd, have said that local residents will be able to purchase discounted annual passes, and community organisations, groups and clubs will have free access at set times.

Getya Kitoff of Milford Naturists Club said; "Against local opinion, I am excited that we will be able to ride the wheel naked. I am just hoping it does not swing too much, as we do not want any unfortunate jiggling or collisions." Another club member, Hugh Jass added; "As much as I like stripping off, I won't be hanging out on that thing."

When approached, local tourism chief, Lika Goodayout commented; "A project like this always has its ups and downs, I am sure the protestors will come round in time."

All of these public relation spins are falling on deaf ears with the Milford on Sea Protest Group, who has aptly renamed the observation wheel; The Hurst Horribilis.

Amanda Lynn, from the Milford Musical Group said; "We have been invited to provide a band for the opening ceremony, but we have declined, as our prima recorder player has chapped lips, and our percussionist cannot use his drum pedal due to just having had a new hip fitted." 

Health and safety officer, Kay Oss has said that, when it is raining in Sweden, customers have to, by law, wear reflective jackets when riding an observation wheel. It is not yet clear how the local observation wheel customers will know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Local residents are now planning a sit-in protest and barricades on Hurst Spit on the day before the building contractors team are due to arrive. Special tracks are being laid to enable mobility scooters to get onto Hurst Spit, and old boats and walking sticks are being broken up to create a spectacular bonfire. 

Hugh Jass has said that he will protest by staying clothed until the building of the wheel is cancelled, or the weather gets too hot.

To draw further attention to the village's plight, their are plans to have 24 hour sessions of interpretive dance on Milford on Sea Village Green, everyone is welcome to join in. 

It is hoped that local xylophone player, Joe King will accompany the dance by playing continuous renditions from the three painfully tedious musical pieces he knows.

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Editors Note:

If you have friends or family who love being taken for a ride, please feel free to share this news. On the other hand, if you consider this a travesty, please share this news with your friends in Milford on Sea and encourage them to protest, we must stand united!

If you have any comments you wish to make, please contact: 

ubin.hadd@gmailer.com

Dinosaur remains discovered at Hurst Spit

An extraordinary discovery was made by walkers on the far end of Hurst Spit two weeks ago…, the group of friends were out for a hike by the sea when they found some bone remnants jutting out from the shingle. Amazingly, these bones have now been identified as being from the skeleton of a 900 million year old dinosaur.

The tide at Hurst Castle is known for occasionally dredging up strange items. To this day WW2 armoury shells that had been fired into The Solent from what was a WW2 testing site near The Needles on the the Isle Wight occasionally appear on the beach. - But, there has never been a find like this before.

Palaeontologists from the British Museum are currently excavating the find site close to Hurst Castle. 

Since the discovery, crowds are regularly gathering to witness more of the remains being uncovered during the excavation, and an influx of fossil enthusiasts are getting very excited every time a new bone is revealed. 

A Milford on Sea local café owner said they were very pleased to see an increase in trade, particularly refills of Thermos flasks for the intrepid fossil hunters. One has even started selling takeaway burgers creatively renamed as ‘Brontosaurus Baps’.

Leading the archaeological project is eminent palaeontologist, Dr Ivor Dugit said; “I have excavated numerous dinosaur remains from the Jurassic period, and this one is in excellent condition. We can even tell it was a particularly attractive one from the remnants of the eyelashes”.

The species of dinosaur discovered has now been identified as a 'Jokasaurus’, a little know member of the ‘Fakapod’ family. When roaming the earth the dinosaur would have had a long tail and neck along with an unusual structure of four legs all of different sizes.

The Parish Council are now in discussion with the British Museum to establish what will happen to the remains once they are fully excavated. There are proposals to encase the shortest leg from the dinosaur in a Perspex case on the village green as a constant reminder of the village’s Jurassic history.

Long-term Milford on Sea resident, Diddy Fallforrit commented; “I’m not sure what all the fuss is about, my bones are over ninety years old and apart from my osteopath and the nurse that gets me up each morning, no one is really interested in them.“

Controversial Floating Pier approved at Milford on Sea

A recent New Forest Council Meeting descended into chaos after a controversial floating pier was approved for Milford on Sea. Objections were raised at the meeting, but the NFDC Planning Committee overruled the objections and granted permission for construction of the pier this summer.

A key objection stated that the pier would ‘damage the unique character of Milford on Sea’. But it was counter-argued that the pier would ‘increase tourism to the village, provide a landing stage for boats and allow people an opportunity to get closer to sea-life’. 

click image to view video

The pier will be located opposite the Needles Eye Café with construction work due to commence on the 2nd June for completion within four weeks.  

The innovative pier design is multi-functional providing a walkway to a jetty on calm days, the jetty also provides seating and a landing stage for small boats who wish to visit Milford on Sea. On days when the sea has a swell it provides a fun ‘moving walkway’ for the more adventurous. The design is based on an existing floating pier at Maliah Beach Club which can be seen by clicking here.

Angry local resident, Arty Fischel was appalled and said; ‘Anything new in the village should be for everybody, and how do they expect people with walking frames to use this monstrosity?’.

Never slow to see an opportunity, local entrepreneur, Joe King has stated that he intends to make an application to provide scuba diving classes and banana boat rides from the jetty from early summer.

The designer of the Floating Pier, Mr Ubin Hadd commented; ‘Just imagine…, the sun shining, the warm sea breeze in your hair, and the waves lapping over your feet. You’re going to love it!”

Local residents are expected to lodge an appeal in the coming days. If you have a view that you would like to express, please contact: April Day, NFDC Planning Officer, Lyndhurst, Hampshire on aprilday@nfdcplanning.jo.ke

To see a video of the Floating Pier design in action; please click here. 

*Editor’s Note: If you plan to object, please share this story with your friends in Milford on Sea. We must stand united!

Learn How to Make Cats Milk Cheese in Food Week

Discover how to make cheese from the milk of your own pet cat on Friday at Food Week. 

Professor Joe Kerr, from the Feline Dairy Research Department based at Southampton University will reveal his delicious Catzarella Cheese discovery.

This will be followed by his colleague Dr Oh Ubinad providing you with a taste, and showing you how to make this unique cats milk cheese at home.

Free Event - Don't come along! 

Date & Venue: 1st April 2016 - Up until 12 noon in Phantom Hall

When asked whether he would be stocking the Catzarella Cheese, Paul Holland our excellent local village grocer of Hollands of Milford said: "Will you stop coming into my shop, you and your stupid ideas are driving me insane."

Hurst Bridge Meeting Erupts

Stormy scenes were witnessed as protesters from Milford on Sea made their views known at a recent Hampshire County Council Planning Meeting.

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The meeting chairman, Councillor Jass Dupp, only managed to restore order with the threat of calling the police.

After a five year consultation process the proposals for Hurst Bridge were presented for decision by the council.

Protesters tried to make the point that the Milford on Sea community had not been directly consulted and objected that all meetings had taken place in Winchester. These arguments fell on deaf ears.

Hurst Bridge is planned to run from a new bridgehead to be constructed next to Hurst Castle across to Totland Bay on the Isle of Wight.

Councillor Druff, made the point that the new bridge is key to the regeneration of the Isle of Wight and will increase tourism trade for the island. He also said; "Hurst Castle have a great opportunity to expand their café offering to travellers wishing to rest before crossing the bridge."

Plans were then revealed to create a suitable access road, the Village Green would be narrowed in order to widen Church Hill. Shouts erupted from the viewing gallery as protesters heckled, banged their sticks and threw various objects and liquids into the council chamber. As police dragged away the final protester, the livid Milfordian made it clear where the council could stick their bridge.

Eventually order was restored. Councillor D.Druff, in a slightly agitated state, reopened the meeting by saying; "Some people simply do not appreciate want we do for them. Those people from Milford on Sea are always trouble. Why is it that so many retired people have nothing better to do that get in the way of our great ideas." 

Councillor Hugh Jass apologised for Councillor Dan Druff's outburst, and went on to say; "We also wish to make it easier for people from Milford on Sea to reach the island, and saver cards will be made available to all residents which will offers discounts for journeys made on foot or disability scooter."

The chairman then asked the council to vote on the Hurst Bridge proposal. The proposal was approved by a majority of 11 to 1 with the construction of Hurst Bridge to commence on the first day of April 2015. 

Local residents are now planning a sit-in protest and barricades in Church Hill the moment the roadwork team arrives.

If you wish to make your feelings known, please contact:
u.beenhad@hampshirecc.gov

*Due to the serious nature of this Hurst Bridge decision, please share this story with your friends in Milford on Sea, we must stand united!