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Friday, 25 July 2014

Watch Out for Dangerous Rocks

I suspect most who live in, or visit Milford on Sea would be unaware that we live in a dangerous place. In fact, so much so that we have signs to warn us all. Having been informed about the signs your intrepid reporter set out in search of evidence. 

My first thought was that Milford on Sea had been declared the drug capital of the UK, but as most of these are taken by legitimate prescription I soon realised we would not actually qualify for this disturbing title. 

Perhaps the danger lurks in the village I thought, so off I set, but there did not appear to be any angry groups of ‘hoodies’ roaming the streets, & the biggest dangers I found on the street corners was the sharp edged curbs.

I considered that here in Milford there is a high percentage chance of being mown down by a mobility scooter, but I found no signs to warn us of this, so I concluded that this was not the danger I was looking for. It therefore appeared that the village is pretty safe. That being the case, I decided that the danger must lie at the seafront. 

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My next investigations soon revealed the danger to me. (Do you think I found it so fast because I am married to a policeman’s daughter?)

To my horror I discovered that we are all under threat from the rocks. I stood back & calmly read the chilling sign: ‘Warning: Rocks can be dangerous’. The sign told me everything & nothing.

However, now being alert to the danger I took a quick look at the rocks in the immediate area, unfortunately whoever had put up the sign had not been thorough enough to label each rock with ‘this one is dangerous’, this one is not’, ‘this one is dangerous’, ‘this one is not’ etc. The sign itself wasn’t really helping, as it just had an image of superman flying over some cotton wool balls, and no indication of where the dangerous rocks actually are. 

I soon wondered if it was it just a small group of wicked rocks that were actually dangerous? If so, how would we know which ones to avoid? More disturbingly, how would we know if they roam in vicious groups, or do they slyly mingle in with the nice placid rocks, only revealing themselves when they attack? 

The signs do not reveal the exact nature of the danger, so I decided to keep one hand on my wallet, the other on the dogs, and at the same time kept looking behind me to ensure I was not mugged by surprise. Indeed, how daft would I have looked if I had been mugged by a rock. Can you imagine explaining the mugging to the police, & the officer asking: ‘Didn’t you see the warning sign sir?’. 

Perhaps the rocks were dangerous because ten percent of them had been replaced by rubber rocks, so that when you walk on them you just bounce uncontrollably into the air towards the Needles. Could be funny to watch, but I am not sure that this would qualify as dangerous. 

My investigations were coming to nothing, and it seemed that being the husband of a policeman’s daughter was not really helping me to solve the mystery. I therefore took the best course of action I could think of, & went home for a drink in the knowledge that the rocks may get me in an unexpected way sometime in the future.

click image to enlarge
Whilst rambling inanely about signs that are designed by people who studied ‘stating the bleeding obvious’ at university, I am now planning to add a few more to protect us all, I might start with: ‘Danger: Walking can make you tired’, ‘Warning: Pebbles can be nasty if roused’, ‘Watch out, watch out there’s a Humphrey about’ and ‘Attention: Nude bathing is prohibited, but encouraged.’ 

If you see them, don’t tell anyone that it was me did it. Perhaps we could even add to bottom of the village welcome sign: Beware: Our rocks are evil!’

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