Donkeys to Replace Cars in Milford

The day started innocently enough... there I was, enjoying an early morning coffee with a biscuit treat, my wife was still at slumber, dribbling to her hearts content, and all was good with the world.

As I opened my post from the previous day, alongside the normal and irritating mail offering me great deals on things I will never want, there was an envelope from the New Forest District Council. 

As these normally contain bills or bad news, the law of averages says this should now be a good one. A nice council tax rebate perhaps, or notification that Milford on Sea was to get an emergency grant to get on with the beach hut repairs before all visitors write-off Milford on Sea seafront as little more than a bomb site.

Nope… the ‘law of averages’ was having a day off today, and his mate ‘sod’s law’ was in his place.

As I removed the letter from the envelope the headline jumped out and smacked me in the middle of the face. It read; ‘Parking Places and Restriction of Waiting’. Oh joy, more nanny state control of what we can all do and not do.

Please ensure you move your
car before the guys arrive.
Click image to enlarge

As I read on, I discovered on the reverse of the letter a copious list of roads in Milford on Sea which were to become car unfriendly. The list contained; Hurst Road, Sea Road, Castle Close, Island View Close, Gillingham Road, Lucerne Road, Danestream Close, Church Hill, Greenbanks Close, Lymington Road, School Road, and Keyhaven Road.

That’s a lot of new paint to go on plenty of roads in the village, so Mr Dulux should be happy. Better still, it should make visiting the village shops and collecting kids from school more difficult, and also decrease the capacity for parking at the seafront on sunny days. Sounds a fabulous plan.

The letter did not explain any reasons for these new parking restrictions, also (although it didn't say), it may have been printed on recycled paper.

Like a lot of people, I have driven around many of these roads at various times of the day, and I have to say I have never seen serious road safety issues, gridlock due to parked cars, or circumstances that create road rage. I must be living in the past to think that these were the main reasons for parking restrictions to be put in place.

Milford's new mode
of transport
click image to enlarge

As the ever increasing parking restrictions will at some future stage make Milford a 'Car Free Zone', a new way will have to be found if anyone still wants to visit the village centre.

A local proposal to counter these changes has been submitted by Mr D Ung of the newly formed ‘Car Restrictions Action Party’. The action group have applied to establish a ‘Donkey Park & Ride’ scheme. This of course fits perfectly into a seaside village.

The New Donkey Taxi Service will have pick up points at a number of locations around the village, and each donkey will have a helper to get you on and off with the utmost comfort.

The park benches on the village green will be replaced with horse (donkey) troughs and several ‘dung boxes’ will be placed around the village containing a bucket and spade. (Not to be confused with the types used on the beach.) Milford Medical Centre were asked for a professional opinion on any effects that may occur from the equine taxi rides and bemusedly answered; ‘Yes, of course the doctors know how to treat chaffing.”

Back to the parking thing, I have to declare that I know several people who work for the council and I like them all, we have also found the car park management team really helpful for village events we have run, and they are helping us out again for the ‘Exotic Car Show’ being held during Love Milford week in February.

However, it appears that the council as an ‘entity’ seems to have a focussed agenda to raise money. Not really their purpose as far as I can see, but what do I know I'm just a tax payer. The infamous ‘committee process’ appears to have been in action, and in starting out to design a horse, they may have ended up with the proverbial camel. 

No doubt some people may argue that this is necessary to raise the cash needed to provide services under threat due to government funding cuts, others would say that rather than spending money on installing these parking restrictions, redirect the costs involved to the essential support services.

Whilst I am at it, and totally off the point, - why is it that some national politicians are clearly of the view that they can spend your money better than you can? Just leave normal people to regenerate the economy by spending their hard earned money how they wish.

Cynics may say that this new parking restriction proposal is to generate more cash for the council by forcing people into the car parks. A downside will be that on days when the car parks are full, visitors will be forced away from the village. Not sure the council will be too bothered though, as they will have maximised revenue in Milford on Sea, and the visitors are likely to end up in another NFDC car park giving them a few more quid to control the ever restricted lives of our poor pariah cars.

When I worked in the corporate world, every department fought tooth and nail for their annual budgets, then, as the year came to an end, a spending spree occurred to ensure every penny was spent – or the budget would be cut the next year. Surely things like this do not happen in public services?

A great use of yellow paint
by Banksy
Click image to enlarge

Totally off the point, Guildford Road Departments seem to have cash to splash at the moment. How is this for a waste of money, - my friend in Guildford lives in a cul-de-sac with 10 houses, then last week a 20mph sign appeared on a lamppost. He was unaware of anyone speeding up the tiny road, nor of any general threat to human or animal life should the speedo hit 22mph! Then, there are the speed humps going in a road that is quiet during the day, has no record of accidents and is gridlocked during the school run. It would be funny if not true.

Amusingly, the changes to the seafront in Hurst Road include adding ‘Free Parking Places’ - This will go somewhere you can park right now, but the road will be nicely painted with boxes in a luminous shade of yellow. The rest of the current road parking will disappear and anyone then parking illegally will be under threat of their car being exploded on the spot.

The new ‘Parking Places’ will have waiting limited to one hour from 9am to 7pm. This should create some interesting jousting, as drivers battle to obtain a precious free piece of tarmac gold. Watching the jousts could perhaps become a new pastime for anyone walking the promenade, If you have played ‘musical chairs' as a kid, you will see the irony. 

As my wife entered the lounge having raised herself off the bed I had strewn with rose petals, she looked straight at me with the warm greeting; ‘What are you ranting about this time?” As I started to explain the predicament to her, I could see her mind slowly turn off and her face glazing over.

Finally, our Parish Council have rightly expressed concerns over most of the parking restriction proposals, but whether they are listened to remains to be seen. The project feels a bit like 'le grand fait accompli' to me.

I'm off to buy a donkey.

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PS: The NFDC letter explained that you can read the full NFDC proposals by going to:
www.newforest.gov.uk under 'Transport & Streets', then 'Traffic Management, then 'Proposed Permanent or Experimental Traffic Regulation Orders advertised'.

- or you could just click here!