Mole Men Scare in Village

We have received an e-mail from a concerned (and slightly disturbed) Milford on Sea resident.

The gentleman concerned obviously has far too much time on his hands, but it appears the village is once again blighted by the activities of the Milford Mole Men.



click image to spot the 'Mole Man'.



Dear Editor,

Until recently, 'The Mole Men' have again been excavating parts of the two roads by which Milford on Sea is accessed. They have, in the normal style, left their piles of spoil on the road alongside their holes, marked the scene with changing coloured lights and disappeared from the scene for weeks on end.

Employing a high degree of stealth they've recently returned to subterranean activities from their presence on Lymington Road leaving few traces of their activity, and leaving the road available for two-way traffic once again. (Until next time.)

Behind the customary illumination on their second excavation site on Cliff Road (known as the curse of the temporary traffic signal) a windowless hut has been installed where mole person(s) can spend time above ground, while sheltered from any public gaze, and in the darkness that enables the breed to remain comfortable.

Does anyone know why Southern Gas Networks disrupt traffic week after week apparently without any urgency since they attend to any work activity on an infrequent basis? Perhaps they can tell us why things take them so long when other utilities dig their hole, make the repairs and go away, typically in just a day or two.

Colin (Anon)

Naturally this letter concerned me, not only for the mental health of the writer, but also because it appears The Mole Men are back at work.

This story has quite a history, which our long-term readers will recognise. For those that are new to this saga, you need to know that 'Southern Gas Networks' do not actually exist, this is purely a cover for 'The Mole Men' to carry on their nocturnal activities.

Ironically, not long after receiving the e-mail I heard a report of a lady resident who needed roadside first aid, having suffered severe shock when witnessing someone working at the roadworks. On closer investigation we discovered that she had actually seen a bloke from Whitby Road who has a fixation (he says 'hobby') of looking down empty holes. It is a shame her distress was actually unwarranted on this occasion.

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If you have the inclination, or nothing better to do, you can discover the historic story of the Milford Mole Men, by reading below:

January 2010 | Lymington Road Slalom

It appears that invisible Mole Men from the fictitious 'Southern Gas Networks' have appeared in the village. Their humorous hobby is to dig holes that make roads in to a single file lane, & then to disappear underground to carry out their real purpose for being here.

Having passed through several times, I have yet to see any Mole Men even pretending to work.  Some may assume that they have left the site, I however have another theory, - they actually live down the hole. Indeed, there is a whole town of Mole Men tunneling away, right under our feet.

I suspect they only come out at night only to replace the batteries in the temporary traffic lights, or to pop down to The Smugglers or Red Lion for a quick pint.

The now regular traffic queues remind me of my birthplace in London, ......but without the muggers. If anyone sees the Mole Men actually working in Lymington Road, please send in a picture, as I won’t believe you otherwise!

6th February 2010 | Mole Men claim more territory

No sooner do I reveal the truth about the mole men living in their hole in Lymington Road, that they test my patience by now appearing with a new hole in Cliff Road!

Their efforts to conceal their real activity by installing temporary traffic lights and a spurious Southern Gas Networks sign, doesn’t fool me for one minute.

I suppose that these could be independent burrowing structures by different tribes of mole men, but my theory is that our resident family has tunnelled from one side of the village to the other.

Considering the length that the tunnel structure must now be, it is not inconceivable that they are building a complete underground town.  I supect that they bring in their reinforcements of supplies and other mole family members by the dark of night. Not that I am really that bothered, as even mole men need to live somewhere. Indeed I am sure if we were asked nicely I guess most of us would not object strongly. (Wouldn’t fancy their chances of getting permission from the Parish Council though).

There is a likelihood that they are under your house right now. Anyway, I hope I have not alarmed you with my revelation, as I am sure that they are quite friendly, although that may give a nasty nip if approached unexpectedly. (A bit like my wife really).

Footnote: Driving home tonight I spotted a sign saying that Sea Road is going to be closed for a few days from the 10th to 13th February. It seems the mole men are wasting no time in colonising the entire Milford on Sea sub terrain.

I wonder if we asked them nicely whether they would put in an underground railway system? Do you know anyone in the Milford on Sea Wildlife Group who speaks ‘Mole’? It looks like we may need someone to negotiate this additional development on behalf of us surface dwellers.

On a related but separate note, I have to say that some readers of these news pages don’t always seem to take my stories seriously. After my article last week on the Lymington Road roadworks, when I speculated that the holes are dug by mole men, who then disappear down the hole to their newly constructed homes, my challenge to send in some photo’s showing men actually working on the site was met with a response, ......but not quite as expected.

Not being an expert on manual labour, I cannot be 100% sure, but I have to say, I do not think the photo’s sent in below are genuine. On reflection, I am not sure it is a good idea to ask readers to send in pictures in future.

click image to enlarge



13th October 2010 | Mole Men invade Village Green

They’re back! The infamous ‘Milford on Sea Mole Men’ have again returned to the village. This time they are excavating on the Village Green, using the cover story that they are gas men installing a new governor.

The official looking plastic fencing doesn’t fool me.

18th November 2010 | Mole Men head for Whitby Road!

As the Mole Men continue to burrow deep below Milford on Sea village green, we have been contacted by one of the head moles. (yes, really!)  We suspect that the Mole Men are trying to gain friendships, and that this may be a plan to divert from their work of creating a network of tunnels under the village for their new subterranean community. Jim Stark, who claims to be the Operations Manager for Southern Gas Networks, wrote to us, saying that; ‘following recent gas escapes, works will be starting shortly in Cliff Road to replace a section of main between Cornwallis Road and Whitby Road’.

Hmmm, I never smelt any gas leak. Interestingly, Jim contacted me by e-mail, which of course means that they have already installed broadband under a number of houses in the village. If your web connection speed has increased recently, this may be why. I wonder if they have installed their own mobile phone mast yet, as I am sure we will all get a better signal when they do. I must remember to ask when I next see a Mole Man in the Red Lion. Indeed, I must also remember to ask them how they are getting on with the underground railway to Hurst Castle that I had requested.

Demonstrating my lack of judgement in understanding women, I attempted to explain to my wonderful wife the latest development in the Mole Men saga. As she gazed into my eyes, with what I thought was a stare of wonderment, I felt a sharp pain. Once again she had demonstrated that a size 10 body is more than capable of delivering a perfect kidney punch. As I laid on the floor, I decided not to retaliate, mainly because she was now emptying the dishwasher, & there were a lot of knives around.

Undeterred, and now breathing again, I carried on with my quest, and discovered that the Mole Men had also written to local residents in the area using paper with a Southern Gas Networks letterhead. The various corporate disguises they use always amuses me. They claim the work should be completed within 3 weeks, and by my reckoning they will be able to build underground accommodation for at least forty Mole Men Families in that time.

Jim goes on to say that, ‘it is impossible to carry out this essential work without some disruption and I would like to apologise for any inconvenience caused’. What he actually means is; ‘please do not disturb us, as we have a lot to do & complaints about the noise delays our progress towards our perfect home in the darkness’.

It is nice to know the Mole Men are friendly, as once their underground town is complete, & more Mole Men from across the country move in, we will all be neighbours!

Does anyone know what Mole Men eat? .... it would be nice to get them involved doing cookery demonstrations during Food Week!