Some local villagers have identified a unique opportunity for emigration to their own paradise island. As you may know, a strange tidal activity has been occurring over the past few months which has resulted in a significant ‘shingle bank’ raising to the surface due south of Milford on Sea & north west of The Needles. To date the bank has stubbornly refused to retreat back under the waves, and added to this, the shingle bank was initially identified as ‘Dolphin Bank’, which has proved to be incorrect. This of course now means that this new ‘Island’ has no known sovereignty. Therefore, the local villagers of Milford on Sea have decided to stake a claim.
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As planning permission and design concepts for the planned Island developments may take some time to complete, it has been decided to take the opportunity to celebrate part of ‘Milford on Sea Food Week’ on ‘Westover Island’ in the meantime. The village is fortunate to have numerous fisherman & leisure sailors, so the plan is to commandeer their boats to ferry out dining tables & parasols in preparation for a ‘Gala Seafood Banquet’. The menu will of course be locally caught and cooked by the Westover Hall chefs. To ensure the whole event is taken seriously, the diners must at least have a ’25 Yard Swimming Proficiency Certificate’. The dress code for the evening will be swimming costume, trunks or unisex sarongs. Any gentlemen arriving wearing a ‘mankini’ will be turned away at the temporary jetty. An ‘Oyster Diving Competition’ is also being proposed for the Food Week activities, the competition will have ‘Under 60’, ‘60 to 80’, and ‘Over 80’ categories. It is anticipated that the final two categories will attract the greater number of local entries.
The new sovereignty of ‘Westover Island’ has decided to retain UK currency, but it has chosen to be a tax haven with no duty on alcohol. Demand for building plots is expected to be significant, so only residents of Milford on Sea who can run 100 yards in under 12 seconds are able to apply at this stage. No passport will be required initially, however it has been agreed to produce a postage stamp. The image to feature on the stamp is as yet undecided, but it has been agreed to put the glue on both sides just to confuse everyone.
Suggestions of the creation of a road bridge, or tunnel from the mainland were dismissed as ridiculous nonsense. A further idea to build a tunnel entrance in Cherbourg, signposted to Westover Island was accepted with numerous immature giggles, after the proposer explained that the tunnel would be built to accept traffic, but the tunnel would come to a halt halfway across the English Channel. The idea of setting up a stall selling 'Milford on Sea Souvenirs' at the tunnel's end is still under consideration.
Applications for the new post of ‘King of Westover Island’ are now being invited. Suitable candidates must have some previous experience of running a country or parish council. Please send your application to: ‘I want to be King’, Westover Hall, Park Lane, Milford on Sea, SO41 0PT. To ensure true equality is maintained, potential Queens may also apply. (My wife made me put that bit in!) Closing date for applications is 1st April 2011.
I also propose that 'Westover Island' should have no fuel duty. This will surely help the locals on their daily commute around the ring road that will have to be build on its perimeter.
ReplyDeleteGood point. I will put this to the interim government when their nurses have completed their medication.
ReplyDeleteI think that we should all be thankful that it is 1.5 miles wide and not 1.5 miles long. If it was the latter someone might come up with the idea of calling it Long Island (after a well known local business man). {;-)
ReplyDeleteWill I need a passport to enter?
Hi Rick, I am afraid the Westover Island immigration policy for Germans like yourself is an area of great debate. On the plus side your adopted nation can grow immpressive moustaches and brew great beer, on the other hand they lack humour & a have dodgy history. I expect in the fulllness of time a formal decision will be made, but don't get your hopes up!
ReplyDeleteActually, the proposed developments for the new island are no more ridiculous than many of the over-dense, unsightly and grossly intrusive developments agreed for Milford over the past ten years and certainly less stupid than the proposed wind farm.
ReplyDeleteTerry Langford
No need to worry about the wind farm any longer Terry, as ths would now fall into Westover Island's territorial waters. Should anyone set about erecting such a structure, the 'Westover Navy' will take immediate preemptive action.
ReplyDeleteThe first boat in the Westover Fleet can be seen in Westover Hall's back garden. (It may need a coat of paint before it is ready for active service.)
I would like to apply to be King Ewan of Westover Island. Some years ago my wife gave me some land in Scotland, and under Scottish Law I became Laird of Glenmore. My estate is vast (one square metre) and I am pleased to report that I have had no complaints from my subjects.
ReplyDeleteI would be a kindly Regent, and having studied historical records would not be so foolish as to imagine that I would be able to repel the rising tides by just asking them to, erm, stop rising. The Island would be open to all, and moorings would be available. I think it may be an idea to establish coastal boundries as soon as possible, and give priority to the Keyhaven and Mudeford fishing fleets. I can also see the Island from my house (well I can if I stand on a box) so would not be an absentee Monarch.
Yours Regally,
Ewan Matthew Hamilton Brown, Laird of Glenmore
Dear Your Lairdness,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your application to become King of Westover Island. Whilst you application has a miniscule element of merit and indeed your experience of ruling is worthy, we cannot ignore the fact that your kingdom is in a strange land far north of Watford.
Your forward thinking consideration of local fishing fleets is a fine gesture, but we would only allow pretty coloured boats into our waters.
Our main concern with your application would be the celtic accent you many bring to the inhabitants of Westover Island. We also wish to ensure that our male residents always wear something under their skirts. Also, and to be frank, we were really hoping for applications from regal people with experience in 'proper countries'.
We thank you for taking the time to apply, but it looks like it has been a waste of time for us both on this occasion.
Although my lands are far away, they have the advantage of being 'portable' due to the size, and could be incorporated into Westover Island.
ReplyDeleteThe established culture in Glenmore would benefit an emerging nation, and my knowledge of cartography could be essential. I have mapped out my lands on a scale of one to one and it fits in the boot of my car.
My accent has softened since my arrival 'down South' and at last count almost one in ten people can understand me (well get the gist anyway) The suggestion concerning only having pretty boats landing has merit, you will do well in this new land. Kilts (or skirts if you must) would not be compulsory, it is probably too windy out there for them to be decent anyway.
With all best wishes.
Ewan Matthew Hamilton Brown, Laird of Glenmore
Dear Lady Glenmore,
ReplyDeleteYour idea of portable land from Scotland is, dare I say, a frightening thought. From what I hear, the northern lands are all 'thistle strewn' & full of empty whisky bottles. Surely no one would expect terrain like that in glorious sub-tropical Westover Island. Ten people understanding your accent is impressive, but we are looking for someone who can speak properly.
I have to say that your continued forlorn attempts to become King err on desperation. It may sound brutal, but your unsuitability to rule Westover Island is clear, so it might be best to look for a lesser sovereignty with less esteem. (Perhaps the Isle of Wight?)
We wish you well in you hunt for a kingdom.
One thing worries me. Have we established ownership? May I suggest that some of us paddle out first thing tomorrow morning ( before breakfast ) and put some towels down? I am no expert, but this does seem to hold up as proof of eternal ownership in European law. Also if I can't be King can I be The Chancellor? I am good with money!
ReplyDeleteEwan Matthew Hamilton Brown, Laird of Glenmore
Dear Lardy of Glenmore, No need to be worried, you are not going to be King. Rick our friend in Germany is already sorting out the towels. We have spotted your backdoor attempt to get a foothold in Westover Island, but having experienced Gordon Brown, the last thing any newly formed Kingdom needs is a Chancellor from Scotland. It would only be a matter of time before you established a tartan flag and renamed our paradise ‘McWestover Island’.
ReplyDeleteIf you make any further spurious applications I will have no alternative other than to call Taggart.
Although previously a grockle I’ve been adopted as an national of Kernow (or Cornwall as you from the east would call it). We, from St Michaels Mount have a joint defence pact with ‘Le Mont St Michel (as you from the north-east would know it) and would like to invite the government of Westover Island (a perverse name since you’re from the East and an island is hardly over anything other than surrounding sea –and not then by much), to join this alliance.
ReplyDeleteAmong the principle elements of the constitution we stand for are:-
• Cheap red wine to be dispensed from bulk at a cost not to exceed €1.50 per litre – say £1.29 in your historic currency.
• Cigarettes to be priced at no more than €3.00 (£2.58 in funny money) as the French say
• All those not in gainful employment to be provided with free housing and given £250 weekly from taxpayers’ funds without any means test – this was the main Cornish requirement.
• The right to block roads and ferry ports without obstruction if any of our farmers or truckers misplace their Teddy Bears – this was the major demand from those from Normandy
• Road vehicle fuel costs to never exceed that price of cheap red wine
• The ruling cabinets are limited to two individuals; they may only meet by night; they must wear wet suits, divers’ masks and flippers throughout all meetings and be equipped with snorkels as is demanded for ‘health and safety’ best practice.
• Cabinet meetings to be held after sundown and limited to a quorum of two members –but one must leave to get drinks and a meal ordered after ten minutes of commencing a scheduled decision making meeting at which stage his (or her) vote will be passed to the remaining officer. Meetings will be limited to a maximum duration of twelve minutes. In the event of a tied vote a dog may be co-opted and will have a casting vote
• Income, Capital and Inheritance taxes all to be at a maximum level of 3.3%
We suggest that in view of your unique geography Westover Island assumes a right to extinguish the well-known lighthouse named after ‘The Needles’ (by RPG fire if necessary) and establish an ‘alternative navigation aid’ that would provide wrecks to the Island and provide a source of revenue in compensation for the low rates of local taxation.
Will you join us in the fight for freedom?
Pendragon
Dear Pendragon,
ReplyDeleteWe have heard of St Michaels Mount, it is the one that 'pretends' to be an island for a few hours each day I believe. We of course, are a 'real island', with no connection to the French or the Euro you mentioned. We do like some of your alternative methods of government, but we again have an accent issue. Therefore we regret an alliance with the Cornish is not an option at this time.
One last attempt before you call Scotland Yard. (geddit?) Can I suggest that we need a new flag for the Nation? To honour our esteemed neighbour how about a Wight cross on a white background, with white stars? This would be usefull until we sort out an Army, however it could be mistaken for the French battle flag. We could go for a flag that represents the IoW with a green centre (grass), white edges (cliffs) and could ask the seemstress or seemster, (please check spelling) to leave the sewing device in place in the middle of the right hand side?
ReplyDeletePip Pip.
Ewan Matthew Hamilton Brown, Laird of Glenmore
Dear Lairdy,
ReplyDeleteI would like to say it is nice to see that you do not give up... but I can't. Your desperation to be involved in the foundation of Westover Island is clear. However, your ideas border on the unfathomable. At least you did not suggest a blue flag with white diagonal cross I suppose. I'm off to call Taggart now.
PS: As you have so much time on your hands, you may be interested to know that Lymington has a job centre.
Westover Island News
ReplyDeleteA New "pop up" restaurant to be named 'Canutes' has been announced, with cocktails to be served at the at the 'Sandbar lounge'.
As a nod to the 1st owner of Westover Hall, Alexander Siemens (who laid the first transatlantic cable) we are going to run an extension lead to the island to keep the beer cold! No turbines here, we listen to the people.
I saw your piece on Westover Island the other day and as a result would like to offer help with the development of the new resort. Realising that space was going to be tight, I contacted a friend, Monsieur Jaques Brique, who workes as a consultant for a French firm of builders, Mettez au-Dessus et Course & Cie, who specialise in land utilisation in Monaco.
ReplyDeleteHe has already done a preliminary survey, but asks that you move the piano (see attached photo) to a safer location until after the bar has been built. He stated that this was standard practice as otherwise under EU directive 23/459804, subsection 'B', paragraph 14, section 'L', it clearly states that all pianists entering, or moving about on building sites, must wear a hard hat; furthermore, if they are to attempt any kind of musical labour at the said instrument, as previously stated in subsection 'A' paragraphs 3-7, and again in paragraph 3,948, section 'Y' (& 'Y' you may well ask yourself!), protective ear mufflers and gloves must be worn. This also applies to anyone within a 2km range of the instrument.
Having cleared that up, I'm sure you will be more than satisfied with his proposals which include a ferry terminal at the end of your proposed tunnel for France bound ships only, luxury appartments with en suite swimming pools & mooring facilities. He has even proposed a small transport network, and ordered 17,000 Euro worth of Hornby trainsets from me! This last bit has left me a little worried at his (& my) sanity!
Hi Nigel, We have spotted a gaping whole in your plan. Mainly that the man making the suggestions is French, worse still his name is Mr Brick! (Shame his first name isn't Dick)
ReplyDeleteWe have no plans for Health & Safety regulations, nor any council officials to annoy us, so your idea are, how shall I put it, err.... useless!
PS: Leave our Piano alone.