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Saturday 23 January 2010

Wicked Smokers Punished

Whist my businesses offices are not in Milford on Sea, there is a tenuous link to this story because I do live in the village. More importantly, I thought you might be amused by my recent correspondence to our landlords about our office, which is in a building called The Hub.

LETTER:
Not sure who is responsible for the new ‘smoking shelter’, so I would grateful if you could pass this on to them please.

To whom it may concern.

I have just attempted to take a smoke outside Stalag Hub. It is now an interesting experience sitting in wet clothes attempting to carry on with my work. Whilst I appreciate you do not have control of the weather, (you don’t do you?), you could make my working life a little less hassle. How about a shelter within a reasonable distance of an entrance from our office block? I have to let you know that your new smoking shelter is not my best friend. Life is now a bit tricky when a wicked working smoker needs a fix & it must be disappointing for you to hear that your covert attempt to get me fit is not appreciated. There was a day when I would appreciate a quick sprint to get somewhere, but today I prefer a gentle stroll. It is a shame that the smoking shelter is a lifetime away & completely inaccessible without braving the elements. I do recognise the undoubted amusement that the smoking expeditions bring to all watching from the windows, as smokers of various shapes & sizes attempt to dodge the rain at speed, perhaps the humour levels could be raised by adding some grease to the steps or pavements?, then everyone can watch the addicted fall over – always a funny one. In sunnier times I tested a theory & it proved to be true that I could light a cigarette on leaving the door & finish it by the time I reached the shelter. Having arrived it seemed a shame not to stay a while, so I had another one. After a chat, it is time for the return journey, & a last cigarette. So ‘three’ when I normally would have had ‘one’. Did you know that you are actually increasing the carbon footprint of The Hub now. (I guess this was not you intention?) Rumour has it that our own smoking area was removed because someone (who has now left) complained that they could smell faint traces of smoke in their office? Quite a feat, as all of the buildings windows are sealed, they must therefore be applauded for their ultra sensitive nostrils – wherever they are now.

I have even been advised by ‘an official’, that smoking outside our back door, (where the original ‘official’ smoking bin was up until a few weeks ago!) is now a ‘Health & Safety’ risk, as I pointed out to him, I believe this to be complete nonsense. We all know that ‘Health & Safety’ rules can at times be ridiculous, but I am sure that even these regulations cannot meet these depths of ludicrousness. Unsurprisingly, my research was unable to identify which section of the ‘Health & Safety Act’ that was now being contravened. Anyway, regulatory nonsense aside, what is the ‘depth’ of the newly invented ‘building smoking exclusion zone’?, as I can spot no signs. To help us unfortunates, perhaps we could have a red line, two foot ditch, or even an electric fence around the building, which would indicate to us evil smokers where we are being a dangerous threat to mankind & where we are reluctantly acceptable. As smoke control is the aim, wind direction & speed can obviously make life complicated for the rule makers with this one, so will the ‘building smoking exclusion zones depth’ expand and contract based on the wind direction or speed? If so, a wind sock or electronic indicator on the side of the building would be appreciated. Another idea may be to have heat or smoke sensitive sensors on all building walls with search lights & alarms to let us all know when someone deviates into the no go area. It might also be fun if the security guys have paint guns to splat the offenders. I quite like this idea. As I expect to be paint covered most of the time, can I choose the paint colours please?

Perhaps we could protect people further by sinking the new shelter into a bunker thirty feet underground, then no one working or visiting here will be offended by the sight of these unfortunate nicotine stained people. No smokers in our office were asked their opinions before the changes were made, therefore I hope my following suggestions are also implemented without consultation. In the pursuit of fairness I believe we should now eradicate all evil from The Hub. We could start will removing all bad substances, starting with coffee & tea due to the addictive nature of caffeine. Also calories are a problem in managing weight, so The Aviators Café should be replaced totally with a Tofu & Prune Bar.

PS: At times I can smell fruit fumes in my office, can all fruit be banned from all offices as well please.

PPS: You may consider reading this a waste of your time, but I am only getting my own back for the time you waste of my team as they continually venture daily to the ‘smoking den of iniquity’ & back. Must go now, there is a break in the rain & I need a fag.

DL
Chairman

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