Milford: A Dangerous Place to Live!

A couple of our observant readers have spotted an essential new sign at Sturt Pond.  Apparently the pond is full of dangerous water.  I was aware that it is wet, but thankfully I now know it has the ability to attack passers-by. 

I had also heard about a sign proclaming 'Dangerous Rocks'.  I suspect most who live in, or visit Milford on Sea would be unaware that we live in a such dangerous place.

After serving my wife tea in bed, (without early morning tea she really is dangerous) your intrepid reporter set out in search of evidence of the 'Dangerous Rocks'. My first thought was that Milford on Sea had been declared the drug capital of the UK, but as most drugs taken here are by legitimate prescription I soon realised we would not actually qualify for this disturbing title.

Perhaps the danger lurks in the village I thought, so off I set, but there did not appear to be any angry groups of ‘hoodies’ roaming the streets, & the biggest dangers I found on the street corners were the sharp edged curbs. I accept that here in Milford on Sea there is a higher percentage chance of being mown down by a mobility scooter, but I found no signs to warn us of this, so I concluded that this was not the danger I was looking for. It appeared that the village centre is pretty safe.

That being the case, I decided that the danger must lie at the seafront. My next investigations soon revealed the danger to me. (Do you think I found it so fast because I am married to a policeman’s daughter?) To my horror I discovered that we are all under threat from the seafront rocks. I stood back & calmly read the chilling sign: ‘Warning: Rocks can be dangerous’. The sign told me everything & nothing. However, now being alert to the danger I took a quick furtive look at the rocks in the immediate area.  Unfortunately, whoever had put up the sign had not been thorough enough to label each rock with ‘this one is dangerous’, this one is not’, ‘this one is dangerous’, ‘this one is not’ etc. The sign itself wasn’t really helping, as it just had an image of superman flying over some cotton wool balls, and no indication of where the 'dangerous rocks' actually were’.

I wondered if it was it just a small group of wicked rocks that were actually dangerous?, & if so, how could we tell which ones they are? More disturbingly, how would we know if they actullay roam in large vicious groups, or do they just slyly mingle in with the nice placid rocks, only revealing themselves when they attack? The sign did not actually reveal the exact nature of their danger, so I decided to keep one hand on my wallet, the other on the dogs, and at the same time kept looking behind me to ensure I was not mugged by surprise. Indeed, how daft would I have looked if I had been mugged by a rock. Can you imagine explaining the mugging to the police, & the officer asking: ‘Didn’t you see the warning sign sir?’.

Perhaps the rocks were dangerous because ten percent of them had been replaced by rubber rocks, so that when you walk on them you just bounce uncontrollably into the air towards the Needles. Could be funny to watch, and I do accept that this would qualify as dangerous. My investigations were coming to nothing, and it seemed being the husband of a policeman’s daughter was no longer helping me to solve the mystery. I therefore took the best course of action I could think of, & went home for a drink in the knowledge that the rocks may get me in an unexpected way sometime in the future.

Whilst rambling inanely about signs that are designed by people who studied ‘stating the bleeding obvious’ at university, I am now planning to add a few more to protect us all, I might start with: ‘Danger: Walking can make you tired’, ‘Warning: Pebbles can be nasty if roused’, ‘Attention: Nude bathing is prohibited, but encouraged’ and ‘Watch out, watch out there’s a Humphrey about’. If you see them, don’t tell anyone that it was me that did it. Perhaps we could even add to bottom of the village welcome sign: 'Beware: Our rocks are evil!’